


Wake Up and Smell The Coffee!

by clgfanfic



Series: The Adventures of Coffee Man [3]
Category: War of the Worlds (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 03:58:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clgfanfic/pseuds/clgfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More adventures of Coffee Man...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wake Up and Smell The Coffee!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the zine Green Floating Weirdness #14 under the pen name Jerkey Treat.

_"Consider yourself on report.  No Jamaica Blue Mountain for a week!"_

 

          As they plunged earthward, Norton Drake, aka Coffee Man, contemplated what he was going to do when he finally got his hands on Mr. Taster's Choice – and not one thought can be revealed here without giving this zine an NC-17 rating…

          Clinging desperately into the wheelchair's handles, Java Girl squeezed her eyes shut and recited the names of all the basic coffee beans in their plastic containers back at her cafe.  The mantra settled her nerves.

          And behind Java Girl, her faithful Rottweiler, Joe grumbled lowly as he clung to her short cape, wishing he was home, chasing Mrs. Perrydorkinwinkle's shovel-faced pussy— uh, pussy _cat_.

          With a heavy sigh Norton considered the probably that maybe, just maybe, he should've brought the colonel along.  After all, Ironhorse was the official Project fodder and he'd be a lot softer to land on than the field they hurdled toward. 

          "What are we going to do, Coffee Man?" Java Girl asking, certain her hero would have an answer.

          "I don't have a clue."

          So much for modern heroes…

          Norton reached for his communicator and pressed the button clearly labeled PANIC.

          "Trouble, Mr. Man?" the colonel's voice asked.

          "Just call me— ta-ta-ta-da… Coffee Man!  Colonel.  When I'm in the suit of course."

          "As you wish…  Ta-ta-ta-da… Coffee Man!"

          Norton rolled his eyes.  The colonel was spending way too much time with Blackwood these days.  "Look, Colonel, we've got a situation here."

          "A situation?" the soldier asked, the raw edge of panic slicing through his voice.

          "We're going down," Norton announced.

          "Down?" Harrison's voice squealed distantly.

          Blackwood must be hugging the coffee machine, Norton realized.  The doc always did that when he panicked and Norton wasn't there.  He didn't really mind, so long as Harrison didn't blubber into the water reservoir…

          "Yeah, listen, Java Girl put decaf in the reserve tanks and Super Chair choked up.  We're going down.  I estimate impact in, oh, a minute or so."

          "Java Girl?" Ironhorse asked.  "Do we have a security file on her?"

          "Hey, she's _my_ sidekick, Colonel Snoop, and don't you forget it or you'll have to deal with Joe."

          The Rottweiler wiggled his nubby tail, sending him into a corkscrew.

          "Joe?"

          "Never mind!" Norton yelled as Joe managed to level out again, his ears flapping happily.

          "Oh, sorry," the soldier said contritely.  "My apology ta-ta-ta-da… Coffee Man!"

          "Consider yourself on report," Norton snapped into the cappuccino cup-sized communications device.  "No Jamaica Blue Mountain for a week!"

          "A week?!"

          "You heard me, Colonel."

          "Yes, Coffee Man."

          "I'm transmitting the location of our crash site, get some help and get out here pronto!"

          "We'll be there before you can brush your cape off," the colonel promised.

          "I'll hold you to that," Norton muttered as he closed the communications link, replaced the communicator into its pocket in his superhero suit, then gripped Gertrude's handles more tightly.

          "Prepare for impact," he instructed.

          Java Girl squeezed her eyes shut again and started her mantra.  "Arabica, Brazil, Columbian…"

          Joe closed his eyes, too, and whined softly, wishing he'd eaten that damned pussy the last time he'd had it treed.

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

          Back at the Cottage the colonel pried Blackwood's fingers off the coffee pot and dragged him out of the basement computer lab, saying, "Come on, Blackwood!  Coffee Man's in trouble."

          "Coffee Man?  In trouble?" Suzanne cried, racing form her bio-lab, one hand clutching the base of her throat, the other cupping one cheek.

          "It's all right, Suzanne," Ironhorse said, drawing himself up to his entire almost-six-feet, and shifting his shoulders back to make his pecs look more macho.  "We'll take care of this."

          She looked on the verge of tears, but forced herself to put on her best 'plucky' expression and nod.  She watched the two men go, then let the mask fade.

          "We're doomed," she muttered, returning to her lab.

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

          The field rushed faster and faster toward the intrepid threesome, then, an intimate meeting.  Luckily, Gertrude's anti-fatale impact program kicked in at the last moment and the wheelchair swung upwards, executed a perfect barrel roll, then sputtered and dropped.

          The threesome landed with a thud.

          "Ruff," Joe stated emphatically.

          "You said it, boy," Java Girl agreed.

          "Yeah, well, it could've been a lot worse," Norton reminded them, reaching for the emergency kit.

          Detaching the metal box from the bottom of the wheelchair he tried to ignore the way one slightly warped wheel slowly turned, putting out a soft but plaintive cry with each rotation.

          "Oh, stop whining," Norton scolded the chair and the wheel fell silent and still.  "That's better."

          He opened the metal box and pulled out two small coffee cups and a small doggie bowl, next came the smallish thermos.  Twisting the cap, he unscrewed it and poured a small amount of the hot dark liquid into each of the containers.  "Drink this."

          Java Girl took her cup and took a sip as she set the bowl in front of Joe, who quickly lapped up the brew.

          "Mmm, that's great, Coffee Man, what is it?"

          "I call it African Thunder," Norton explained.  "It gets me back in touch with my warrior ancestors.  I always bring along a thermos when I'm out on a mission."

          Java Girl finished her up and stood.  "Coffee Man!" she cried, pointing to the edge of the field.

          "Damn," Norton breathed.  "I should've know he's be waiting for us!"

          "Who?"

          "Mr. Taster's Choice, of course."

          Java Girl gasped, then squatted down behind Norton, clutching the hem of his cape.

          "Too late, Coffee Man!"

          The three turned to find _him_ standing behind them, a cultured smirk on his lips.  "You thought you could out smart me, didn't you?" Mr. Taster's Choice asked.

          "Still might," Norton replied with a relaxed grin.

          "Don't count on it," was the ominous retort.  "I've got you this time, Coffee Man, you and your sidekick and you drooling dog, too."

          Joe growled lowly, then licked his jowls, sending short strings of spittle flying.

          Mr. Taster's Choice jumped back to avoid the dog drool.

          "You'll never get away with this," Java Girl dared.  "No one can control the global coffee market, no one!  It's too fluid."

          "Ah, but you're wrong, my dear," Choice said, motioning his lackeys to surround them.  "I'm not in that alone."

          "You mean the rich divorcee?" Norton asked.

          "Hardly," Choice sneered.  "She was just a fling.  Besides, her Ex is back and I have more important spoils to wrest from the hands of the unworthy."

          "Coffee beans," Norton stated.

          "Yes.  The populations of all the industrialized countries on this planet have become addicted to coffee, and in a few days I will control the world's supply of beans, then governments, kings, and CEOs will have to come to me if they want their daily grind to continue."

          Norton's eyes narrowed.  "What do you really want Taster's-mon?"

          A purely evil grin lifted the man's lips.  "My own TV series."

          Java Girl rolled her eyes.

          "Arugh-ruff-grr," Joe replied.

          "What did he say?" the villain asked.

          "Good luck," Java Girl translated.

          Mr. Taster's Choice snorted.  "What does a stupid dog know?"

          Joe's ears tugged back, flattening them against his massive skull.  He bared he teeth and growled loudly.

          "Okay," the Choice said.  "Not stupid."

          Joe's hackles stood and his nub of a tail flipped up.

          Norton looked around, spotting three people approaching.

          "Darling!" Choice called.  "Did you need some coffee?"

          The woman and her two male companions reached them, their gazes angry and fixed.  "We will take all of them," she commanded.

          "Hey, who are you!" demanded Java Girl.

          The female blinked trice, then replied.  "This human female was Soon-to-be-Mrs.-Taster's-Choice."

          "And I was her perky son," replied the younger man.

          "And I was her husband, but she divorced me and fell for a guy with a jar full of desiccated coffee beans."

          "Oh oh," Norton said.

          "You will control your beast," the woman commanded.

          Java Girl reached out, snugging Joe tight against her side.  "What are you going to do to us?"

          The woman's eyes flashed with greedily anticipated mayhem.  "You'll just have to wait and see, my dear."

          "Whatever it is, you won't get away with it!" Choice cried.  "I have friends in all the most powerful places!"

          "Shut up, Choice," the ex-husband snapped.  "We do not care about your friends.  We only want the coffee."

          The boy glowered at Norton.  "We trusted you to save us," he said.  "But it is obvious that you are just another incompetent human."

          "Yeah?  Well, at least I'm cute," Norton replied.  "And I have friend on the way, too."

          That seemed to worry the threesome and they paused a moment, chattering in gobbledeegook for several second before the female stated in English, "Bring them.  They will pay for their actions and their failures."

 

 

Will Ironhorse and Blackwood arrive in time?

 

What terrible fate awaits our intrepid heroes?

 

Will Mr. Taster's Choice pull off his coffee coup?

 

Stay tuned for the answers in the next story!

 

Ta-ta-ta-da!

 

Coffee Man!


End file.
